This quote is hard deep into my heart and soul. For those of you who don’t know about my mom, she acts…different to the standard.

My mom has been diagnosed with Maniac Bipolar Disorder and for the first time, she came to visit me here in Vancouver this year. It has never been an easy thing into someone who depends a lot on everyone to do stuff other than taking the bus or buy groceries at the local store. Taking a plane, applying for a passport, getting a Canadian visa, were the first major things that my mom got in her life for the first time. This was huge, this was major. She did it and I would for ever be proud of her, but she won’t see it as a success…ever. What seems a grain to me, it’s a mountain to my mom so this had to be remembered and appreciated.

Well, while my mom was here I really hoped I would be able to help her “recover” or at least made her feel better. I thought that exposure to a better environment – away from the negativity, crime, mental or verbal abuse of some people – would help her to unwind and appreciate things better. But it didn’t seem so.

I wasn’t ready to see her more deteriorated. I was’t sure if I was going to be able to cope and be patient when dealing with her. I definitely wasn’t expecting her condition getting worse to this:

– She is mentally a kid. I don’t know which age she could be stocked at but I would guess at 10. She behaved childish a lot before, but I was never able to pin point it into an actual age. Maybe I didn’t care.

– She has a clean OCD with specialty in toilets. You might laugh, but I couldn’t believe she finished a whole galon of bleach in a week.

– She is (recently became) a God and Christ fanatic, in almost all religions to an extreme. I don’t know how to comment on this, but everything, from the noodle soup to the shape of our ceiling has a representation of God’s work. Again, I don’t understand how she takes things and is able to get that from religion.

– She shows a variety of mood swings in a short period of time. Once she was misdiagnosed with schizophrenia, but the more I read about it the more I realized she didn’t fit the patterns. It went years before another doctor prescribed her with Maniac Disorders. That, I see her fitting into.

But, one thing didn’t change: her unkindness towards my efforts or suggestions. Even though, I knew deep inside it was not entirely from her heart, it hurt. Every word that described how wrong I was doing something, it hurt. Or when she would yell at me because I was the cause of her being here in Canada, it hurt.

It was sad to not be able to communicate well with her, ever. How my words seemed to hit a wall or vanish in the air – especially when it came to her health. She never seemed to agree that her actions were not normal. How her thoughts were misleading and with out supportative reason She has never liked accepting she is mentally sick.To her, we are plotting against her.

It all came down to the conclusion that she needed to go back home. She would feel safer and closer to what she knew and to be able to run and hide as she usually did in order to avoid communication.

So she left. And with that she took a part of me, again. Even though she is not nice and mentally exhausts me, I miss her. After all, she is my mom. Or at least my birth mom. Somehow I still remember that she took care of me and I force myself to try to keep alive the very few good times we spent together. And that no matter how much she refuses to see that she is sick, I will still try to get her feel better.

Mom – I miss you

To many, mental diseases are not that obvious. So many times my mom gets labelled as “bitch” or as “crazy” or “weird” or “annoying-disgusting human being” and so on. It’s not something you can immediate relate and show sympathy. It’s not something you understand right away. This is her case and like her there are lots out there.

Linking my quote with Quotable Bits