This is a hard post. Very hard.

Every year I face the same feeling towards Mother’s Day, I am untouched. Celebrating Mother’s day is not a synonym of celebrating me (in my head) even though I’m totally qualified for it now. Mother’s Day resonates as to celebrate my own mother. And that is every year as you know.

This post is hard not only because of the type of post, you know, writing about my mother, but also because I find very hard to use the perfect words and grammar to describe what I think and feel about it.

Mother’s Day is not a day to celebrate my mom. I guess mainly because of my mom’s mental disorder (maniac bipolar disorder), it made it harder to look at her as our mom.

My brother and I tried, really. It ranged from the standard crap they made us buy at school to the other crap that as kids we made at a craft class. The end result was the same; my mom would either be unhappy with what she got or she would try to find something bad in it. And this most likely would end up with her criticizing our efforts. And because no matter the occasion, as years passed by, that became a habit of not even trying anymore.

So no, we do not celebrate mother’s day, for her.

Were we correct on choosing that way of living? I don’t know. According to my last therapist, we had to cope somehow.

Was it easier for us to choose ‘do nothing’? No. We still had to pretend we were. Classmates and friends and don’t forget school essays required on detailed experiences on the subject. Do you know how exhausting it is to lie about it? -Very.

Would we change our past or future actions towards our mother? No. By being in denial and distant allowed us to keep peace at home. My mom wouldn’t vomit negativity at us and we wouldn’t end up angry at her, we saw it as a total win-win.

Did it make us happy? No. I’m not happy about it. Until this day, it makes me feel inadequate, but that feeling is not as bad as feeling like a total failure to the eyes of our own mother.

Close family members know now what it is to deal with my mom now but, they used to misjudged us when we were younger, mainly because of false or incorrect perspective. And unless people were exposed or have an understanding of living with someone with mental issues, that vulnerability will always be present and we’ll continue to lie about it.

To you mom, secretly giving this gift to you.

Agassiz BC – Tulip Festival