Hopeful

It’s been freaking too long and neither I’m pregnant nor my hormonal imbalance issues are better.

During my trip to Mexico in December, I visited a homeopath. He was highly recommended by a friend who suffered of a similar condition like me. It’s funny but when I started experiencing difficulties conceiving another baby she came to my mind. She was told by her gynaecologist she needed surgery in her tubes after her results were back. She got scared and seeked for an alternative option. She found this homeopath doctor through a friend and after a year under the homeopathy medicine she was able to conceive naturally. We now joke a lot considering she has 4 kids since then. Two of them born two years apart, and the other two are twins!!  Clearly there is something in this homeopathy medicine, no? I had to go and see this doctor too.

I came back home with a 4-month worth homeopath medicine supply. Which I intended to continue using along the infertility treatments given by my clinic in Canada.

I called the infertility clinic to follow up on the polyp surgery. And after doctor’s revision I was instructed to continue trying naturally.

I was very optimistic. I was hopeful. Husband and I did our homework and somehow I was already calculating possible due dates. And then my period came a week earlier. I felt blank. I had no initial reaction to this event and what it represented. I even thought maybe perhaps I was pregnant and it was just a sign. I gave it a day, but it only confirmed the unwanted. I had to call the clinic and hear what was next.

The doctor prescribed Letrozole which is supposed to stimulate my ovaries. I asked her my concerns; the chances of multiple babies or defects. She assured me this medicine has very low chances for multiple pregnancies or defects in babies compared to others. And like if this is not scary enough, she then mentioned if this doesn’t work out she would like to suggest moving on to IUI. My heart stopped.

I realize that more than being scared to the unknown world of insemination I am more upset at myself. I feel guilty. I feel powerless. I feel like a failure.

I feel guilty for not trying harder during the first year after returning to work. I feel if I had, probably I would have noticed this problem sooner and worked on it longer while younger?

I feel powerless because there is nothing I can do. I wish I could own an ultrasound device and be hooked to it 24/7 but I don’t know what to look for in what it looks like a picture of a constellation. I wish the Canadian health system allowed for these clinics to monitor more closely, to issue more detailed exams.

I feel like a failure because it’s my organ who is not cooperating. The same organ it was good 4 years ago and at the first try, it’s now unpredictable. I had tried so hard to lead a healthy lifestyle by not eating processed foods and by no doing drugs, that I can’t understand any other factors that can be affecting my ability to succeed on this. I understand age is a factor, but at my early 30’s?

While I’m in the middle of taking Letrozole, for another change to conceive more naturally, I can’t help but wonder if going IUI is even an option for me. I guess at this point I need to cool my head down a bit and take away the negative feelings and pressure from myself. Really hoping the homeopathy treatment comes to the rescue and on time when things don’t look pretty anymore.